I have become increasingly aware of the tendency of my human nature to deviate towards a works based standing with God. My pride longs for it. I want to have attained the righteousness He sees in me under my own power.
Every day, I must let the truth of the true Gospel wash over me: I am completely helpless in my sin. There is nothing I can do of my own volition to seek God, to delight in Him, to please him with my doings or efforts. By myself, I am not okay. Any other system of thought that tries to convince me otherwise, that tries to reinvent my thinking about myself will not really hold up under the weight of my sins- the intentional evils, premeditated or impulsive; idolatrous addictions; accidental wrongs, mistakes, rotted fruit of my frail humanity; the dark meditations of my heart, acted upon or just entertained in my thoughts. For awhile I might be able to reframe my perception of my human condition with an infrastructure that minimizes how dire the situation really is. But eventually the truth, the enormity of my sin will cause it to sag. The ocean of guilt and anxiety begins to seep in around the gaps, bringing the whole elaborate performance towards collapse. Then where does that leave me? Perpetually attempting to rebuild the world around me with tinker toys and Lincoln logs in an endless cycle of false security and fulfillment followed by hopelessness and despair. I have got to be grounded in something stronger than positive thinking and an emotionally driven relationship with Christ. In refusing to truly acknowledge the depths to which my sinful nature extends, I not only minimize the power of Christ’s saving blood, I cheat myself out of the joy and gratitude that results in realizing what He has saved me from. It is so profound that I know I will not fully understand this until I see Him face to face.
Daily I need to wage war against dismissing Christ with the self deception of “I’m okay” and the inevitable guilt that follows when I am reminded that without Him, I’m not. I must let this conclusion constantly bring me back to the truth: through faith in Christ that only comes from Christ, I am saved from myself and the eternal consequences of all this sin. I stand before God completely blameless. He will never count any of my sins against me- past, present, or future. What wonderful freedom lies in this truth.
I have been enjoying the bliss of ignorance when it comes to how dirty the floor really is. A quick vaccum of the kitchen floor a couple times a week was sufficient. Now my little nugget has begun travelling around. Not only is he a cute little pumpkin, he also doubles as a swiffer. His increasingly refined pincer grasp further complicates things. Its amazing the artifacts a baby will find, no matter how hard you might try to keep things clean. I remember looking over just in time to notice that my oldest had put a tiny, semi-alive beetle in his mouth that he had discovered on the kitchen window sill. 
